Fate did decree that Christmas Eve dinner was a burden of mine,
It’s a good thing I can order my Christmas shopping online.
Trucked across the country, this fine turkey was brought to me,
Too bad I have no idea how to cook this for tea.
“Google, how do I cook this?” my panicked cry did ring.
Google chimed back, “I have just the thing.”
I followed Google’s instructions with due care,
Aware that my mother in law would soon be there.
I stuffed the bird in the oven when from the door was a clatter,
I sprang from the kitchen to see what was the matter.
I dashed to the living room and to my eyes a sight did appear,
My partner with a miniature sleigh and eight plastic reindeer.
The rest of the afternoon was spent assembling this,
Fiddling with tiny little screws and missing reindeer bits,
Finally, we sat back and admired our mangled sleigh for Saint Nick,
Assembling things from IKEA has never been quick.
I glanced at the time to discover it was six o’clock,
I jumped to my feet, “it’s time to put on my frock!”
I dashed up the stairs and searched for my gown,
I must get dressed before I go back down!
The doorbell chimed, its tune so bright and merry,
Panicked, I fling on a dress the colour of cherry.
I thumped down the stairs, taking two at a time,
It could only be that mother in law of mine.
The door swung open and with it came a great gust of snow,
Inside steps a woman covered in fur from her head to her toe.
Nervously I stepped up to greet my mother in law,
Who placed a giant kiss to the side of my jaw.
Merrily she waved and into the dining room she did sweep,
While I paused to wipe a great glob of lipstick from my cheek.
My partner hugged her mother and gave her a chair,
To which the fur-clad woman sat with great flair.
She sent us a grin, “Oh dearies, did you do this for me?”
“Oh yes,” said my partner, “Just wait for your tea!”
My heart thudded in my chest as panic rose like a post,
“Oh my god! I’ve forgotten the roast!”
The smoke alarm sounded from the kitchen with glee,
“Of all the people who had to get Christmas, of course, it was me!”
The smell of smoke spread all through the house,
I rushed to the kitchen and yelled for my spouse.
Flaming turkey blackened the glass and to the oven we did dash,
My hopes for the perfect Christmas dinner, it was gone in a flash.
We carved the charcoaled bird and laid it out to rest,
My partner gave me a wink, “It’s okay, we’ll just eat the breast.”
Christmas eve dinner of two thousand sixty-eight (2068),
And still overcooked turkey is what filled my plate.